On Being the Church’s Whipping Boy

I’d seen this episode of Dr. Phil before, but it was just as compelling the second time. Dr. Phil was interviewing a mother and her adult daughter. The daughter was a family outcast. The mother did nothing but criticize the daughter, who could do nothing to earn her mother’s approval. The siblings were cautiously following the mother’s lead, shunning the sister.   

At first, I was tempted to think the girl was given to hyperbole, but Dr. Phil was being unusually harsh with the mother. What was he seeing?

He pointed to various events in the daughter’s life which had drawn criticism. Sure enough, the mother was unrelentingly critical. There were plenty of good reasons to shut the daughter out of the family circle and she had no trouble recounting each one. Nothing her daughter said was true. Why waste time with her? The daughter was trouble. All drama. Always was; always will be.

Slowly, point by point, the doctor provided proof that the daughter was telling the truth in many of the accounts. She was truly deserving of the family’s attention or support in some difficult circumstances. The mother’s attitude, not the daughter’s actions, had poisoned the family.

At the end of the program, Dr. Phil pointed out that what the mother was doing was applying her expectations (which were low) to every interaction she had with her daughter. When the daughter slipped up, she was quick to point out that her failings were exactly what was expected, proof of the mother’s superiority. Every misstep had an “I told you so” waiting.

While she was busy counting her daughter’s flaws, she was failing to see anything good. A son was cheered; the daughter jeered.

It was hard to watch, especially when you’ve walked in the girl’s shoes.

We, at Redeemer, have lived this story.

Dr. Phil pointed out that everyone can fall into this mother’s habit. We have to learn to see beyond our expectations.

The Southeastern Pennsylvania Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America has been picking on Redeemer in similar fashion for decades.

Someone at some time in the past — does anyone know who or why? — decided Redeemer was trouble. Ever since then, church leadership has looked to see their low expectations of this good congregation proven. Every little thing that might be construed as wrong was paraded before the entire church. Every good thing (and there have and continue to be many) count for nothing. Add the fight over property and the synod’s ongoing financial crisis and you have a whole new dynamic.

In the mother/daughter scenario, the whole family was drawn into the drama, finding it easy to take the mother’s side. We’ve seen the same behavior. The whole church—clergy and congregations—are willing to accept the bad, never looking for reasons. In this case, they stood to gain in doing so. It wasn’t just a broken relationship. It was a broken relationship with a $2 million property attached as the economy was making things difficult for everyone. The potential payoff made it all the easier to find fault.

SEPA cannot see beyond its expectations foreshadowed in 2006. Redeemer’s president at the time knew nothing of SEPA’s fault-finding with the congregation he and his family had joined ten years before. In fact, 95% of Redeemer’s members had joined in the last 10 years and knew nothing of Bishop Almquist and previous episodes with SEPA.

Redeemer’s president was trying to work with the Synod. He contacted SEPA offices many times. No response. At last, a synod staff member confided, “It doesn’t matter what your congregation does, the bishop intends to close your church.”

This was right after Bishop Burkat’s first election. All she knew about Redeemer was what she had been told. It did not come from any process of “mutual discernment.” Such claims are just part of the myth.

People find it easy to believe the story.

It’s Redeemer. What do you expect?

The situation wasn’t beyond hope in 2006. There was enormous potential. (Still is!)

There could be healing. Dr. Phil gives the recipe for reconciliation and healing. (A similar recipe can be found in the Bible.)

You have to look beyond your expectations, he advised. Start with small talk. Get to know one another again.

At the end of the program, Dr. Phil revealed the family incidents that had occurred when the daughter was just four years old. They were very real and horrifically tragic. The mother, the leader of the family, had not handled the situations well. She found a way to escape. The daughter became a reminder of a terrible time. A new child became the focus of all attention. A fresh start. The daughter was left behind, bearing the blame for something beyond her control for twenty years—throughout her entire childhood and into her adult years.

There are real reasons for the on-going tragedy in East Falls that continues to burden the SEPA family. There were incidents in the past that caused division. Many have no recollection of these incidents, but since then everyone in the church has been looking for only bad things from this congregation (while benefitting financially).

• Multicultural ministry. Doesn’t matter.
• Multilingual ministry. Doesn’t matter.
• Blended worship. Doesn’t matter.
• Neighborhood Christian Day School. Doesn’t matter.
• Six-week, full day summer Bible School. Doesn’t matter.
• Ground-breaking web site. Doesn’t matter.
• Five-fold growth in two years. Doesn’t matter.
• International fellowship. Doesn’t matter.

What matters is a history that none of us can remember. Can you?

It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It could happen to any church. We wonder if it already is!

Any congregation could become the church’s whipping boy. All you have to do is dare to disagree. Write this church off. Collect its assets for your own use. No one was supposed to notice or care!

The good news. This can be fixed. Start with small talk.